You don't get off work for this? I feel genuinely bad for you.
I'll have a beer when I get into the office. Yes, I hide beer in my work frige.
I either just heard my neighbors having sex or she really agreed with whatever he was talking about.
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
I finally won that bet on when the anorexic girl would pass out at the gym. You owe me 10 now
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
Well, he sent me "techno kitty adventure" about 10 minutes ago. So, he could be anywhere.
My cock is literally on the edge of falling off. Fuck Vegas.
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
I don't know if we can compare high school reunions anymore. The keg stands started before 7.
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
I'd climb him like a horny MILF spider monkey.
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
Randomize
