Oh and fyi, I've been drinking and about to do free weights. I'll late you know how this goes.
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
drunk her ninja stole one of the pizzas as it arrived and hid all of the pieces in a cereal box in the fridge.Genius.
can I share that I'd like to fuck him in my new car as a sort of car warming present to myself?
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
Is it immoral to trade sex for the use of his laundry room?
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize
