It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
im sorry but you know it was a good night when you got tasered on the ass and didnt even feel it
I just remember being in the bathroom alone cussing out the bunny
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
Serious question: does drunken cyber sex with a stranger on omegle count as cheating???
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
Had sex in a blanket fort. How was your weekend?
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
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