if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
i don't care what she did to you. we are not having sex in front of your sister.
Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
just saw a girl come out of the tanning bed room on crutches, now thats determination
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
Don't ever feel guilty about what you put in your mouth best advice my gma ever gave me lmao
Then. Omg he showed me A CARD TRICK AFTER WE CAME
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
Stop trying to mix nacho cheese and sex. Guys don’t want hot cheese near their junk. Pick a better fetish
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