when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
Hahahaha who is sleeping in the garage on our beer pong table?
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
its like a catch 22, sucks that you've stopped, but its like a vagina high five
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
He was feeling me up but acting like he was asleep. Like WTF does that mean??
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
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