thought so. i woke up and he was playing with my eyeliner. I MAKE GREAT CHOICES.
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
we were fucking and all I could think about is how my silly bands were glowing in the dark.
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
We are hot boxing the gondola
I hate everything.
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
That would be a dream come true. Seriously, he's like my mount everest, my life's ambition is to climb him.
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
It's confirmed. I have two dates on Saturday, and they are both named Mike.
Randomize
