Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
you should be back in the room by now but just so you know. you passed out at the black jack table and they wheel chaired you out. strip club in about 45 minutes. game face bro.
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
you can't get cum all over my hair and then tell me you just want to be friends
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
not sure what the chiropractor did but my junk deserves a cape now.
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
Randomize
