I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
Goodnight sugar queer
Sugar queer??
Why does my predictive text prioritize 'queer' over 'puffs'?
he rubbed his balls on my face to wake me up.. this friends with benefits thing is getting out of hand.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
so I'm staring at this cat and wondering..is the tail of the cat the derivative of it's head?
stop getting stoned after studying for a calc final.
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
How do you say "thats kinda illegal" in thai?
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
Randomize
