I want to make Jon&Kate babies with him. Not in quantity, but in percentage asian.
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night.
what the fuck man? i was JUST texting you the same thing. FUCK
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
thing about being the result of a teen pregnancy is that all my baby pictures are of my mom and dad holding me around their stoned college friends.
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
She was throwing my stuff away and then before I knew it she was sucking my dick. It was like some fucked up sour patch kids commercial
And apparently i asked another younger guy at the bar if he wanted his bud light pumped straight into his vag. As i put back an irish car bomb...
Everyone here knows my boyfriend as "Half Baked". Life, he's doing it right.
You have to summon your inner elephant
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
You guys had reggaeton music playing while dry humping? Definition of romance.
Plus, I have my cousin, the dominatrix, to help me out if things get out of hand
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
Randomize
