Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
Everytime I know she spent a lot of time on her hair for one of our dates, I intentionally cum on the top of her head. That's how she knows I pay attention.
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
Wackin it to the USA womens soccer team. My own personal way of saying job well done.
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
I don't know. Something about answering "what did you do on Sunday?" Seems odd when the reply is, painted, went to the grocery store, put a restraint device on my bed.
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
My vagina is very pro this idea
Randomize
