What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
We owe the rent and you're unemployed...you're in no financial position to flirt with cocaine addiction.
Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
And then she proceeded to fling her bra around while screaming the rocket power theme song, still managing to not fall off the skateboard
I think I need to donate blood to see if I have Hepatitis. Again.
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
Someone came into our hotel room and took our remote
What should I do?
I still have a little drunk in my system
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
I am so stoned. And there are so many white people in this Jack in the Box.
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
Randomize