Even the bartender felt bad for me
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
I thought she was being abused so tried to go in at the sympathy angle, but the bruises were from pole dancing. I went in at all angles.
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
Come on in and take your pants off
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