i don't know her name but she is cooking me brkfst then helpin me find my car.
she hot?
i don't wanna talk about it
its time to go be "that drunk guy nobody knows"....again.
Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
Are we going to go home and do it or do I have time to eat my nachos bell grande first?
Elliott peed on my floor and slept in it lol that's a one line description.
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
