tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
She looks like Robin Williams dressed as a frog.
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
you're the best thing to happen to me. closely followed by learning to ejaculate, and drugs.
I woke up this morning next to a stack of saltines & a txt from u saying "do it." it took me a second to remember wat was going on
I think I actually have rug burn on my eye.
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
We were apparently using marine hand signals to communicate to one another where to meet up in the house to hook up.
Didn't even know I knew marine hand signals.
Idk my boobs are big but i dont think theyre hide a flask in them big..
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
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