Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
Thats how high i was. The fact that he looked like Seth Rogan was apparently a good thing.
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
I need input, can I pre-game my cat scan?
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
banged a milf last night. she left right after cause of parent teacher conferences this morning. victory.
Well ill be drunk so just come find me. Its like where in the world is Joey San Diego
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
The dysfunction is strong in this one.
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
Randomize
