Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
Finished watching the entire first season of mighty morphing power rangers. Now I have nothing. Not even a life.
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
Sup man, did you have a 3way this month if so it would be 3 for 3 for the house
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
It's not a funeral, it's a celebration of life. Going commando AND braless is really just honoring him!
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
Oh, do you remember telling everyone you were with that your vagina was angry last night?
Randomize
