hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
My dealer's mom died on christmas eve. Is it too soon to see if he's holding?
Great I'll forever be branded as gym slut at the new gym.
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
The stock is going waaaaay up on that picture of my pussy with a bowtie on it.
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
He brought over a bottle of tequila and a box of donuts with the Plan B, so I guess you could say things are getting pretty serious.
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
I had to remind him last night as he had his arm around me, "We hook up, we don't cuddle!"
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
Randomize
