I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
The floor and the wall just switched. I'm falling.
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
Good. We don't answer calls at dick thirty.
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
He ordered three small pizzas while I was giving him head.
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
Randomize
