I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
Nothing is worse than puking naked in front of strangers
I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
You were doing karaoke. Then you screamed "SHOUTOUT TO ADAM LAMBERT" and started making out with the very surprised looking guy next to you.
I actually didn't mind her sub-par blowjob skills.. It took me back to a time when skipping class was noticed, and my liver didn't look like a worn out shoe
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
I can dream in two languages, but it's still about ripping a bong.
No, seriously, I've slept with 3 guys this month.
It's ok, February is a short month
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
Sean just lit a cig with his taser..... I am in awe
Randomize
