She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
At least our walk of shames never included a bag of chips and a jar of queso..
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
We get up to three toppings. Dignity is not one of them.
Be there in 6 mins I’m smell like fireball. and strippers and need to use your showers before go home
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
Randomize
