what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
How much would it be to rent out Gus Johnson so he can announce our flip cup games?
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
We're high and this subject came up and I'd like a female opinion: if you were a dude, what would you do if a girl tried to give you a foot job?
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
But I do know they give away thousands and thousands in booze
My liver has a boner
I told him if he cums in my mouth he has to buy me a cake that says "sorry I came in your mouth"
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
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