Hey. Did u tell any1 that I use Nuvaring?
Cuz 1 of ur bf's frat bros just asked me if I wanted to "play ring toss later"
I hate it when hot girls behave. It's so anticlimactic
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
Everytime I know she spent a lot of time on her hair for one of our dates, I intentionally cum on the top of her head. That's how she knows I pay attention.
The ratio of how much he pisses me off to how much sex i get just isnt working out for me
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
hahaha every time i hear a motorcycle i think about that one time you almost died
Thanks for the flashbacks you prick.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
The problem with drugs is that there's none in this hotel
The problem with drugs is that showing my boobs only gets so much of them
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
Good thing he's hot and my vagina likes him or I'd be at Dennys right now.
Randomize
