The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
Just beat off to internet porn while talking to my mom on the phone and eating a cinnamon roll. U have 5 minutes to get on my level
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
there's a strong possibility i came on your eyeliner last night bathroom sex was unplanned and rather messy sorry
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
Could we try to replay the decision making process whereby only you and I bought and drank a keg this weekend? Because there were some fundamental flaws!
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
Grandpa just whipped it out and started pissing on the way to the game stuck in traffic. I saw EVERYTHING. :(
Randomize
