we'll penetrate his innocence with our dicks
They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
Did we smoke in a portapotty last night? And if so, do you think the brown stuff covering my body is actually dirt?
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
I'm going to have to go for it. It's like Mt. Everest. It's large and unpredictable but I live for adventure and it's worth never coming back from. Mt. BigDick.
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
Randomize
