why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
Did the math... it's Magna Cum Laude whether I get a 4.0 or a 0.0 this semester. I'm blacking out now, wake me up when I have to walk across the stage,
You had me sold at "fucking you down the slide"
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
He smoked and I was tired so left before we did anything. I literally left him high and dry.
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
We free pour in this house. Measuring alcohol is for the weak
Randomize
