As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
Think of all the island guys I could have. Ah well.
You can not bait me into a "how Stella got her groove back" call and response.
im pretty sure the interns at this hospital have gotten hotter
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
Randomize
