I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
oh hey summer self, welcome to endless thirsty thursdays and walks of shame.
Hahaha alright after 5 shots I'm not allowed to touch glass or boys with girlfriends.
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
Also I will be receiving my own bra in the mail because I left it at his place, woops
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
Randomize
