So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
Yep. It's going to be us, strippers, and drag queens.
A glittery, gay, heavily makeuped, scantily dressed clusterfuck.
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
He was pretty bad, I wanted pizza the whole time.
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize
