Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
you kept slapshing your drinks on people saying the power of christ compels you.
her underwear stopped being sexy when i saw her pubes sticking out of the top.
He screamed "Oh boy! Oh boy!" during climax.
I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
we both turned hook ups into relationships we are crushing this thing called life right now.
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
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