So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
Please explain to me why I only attract Mormon guys. Just explain that to me.
I think it's God trying to counter your lustful nature. Imagine if Agnostics liked you. You'd never come out of your bedroom.
....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
It took all the strength I had tto sit at my desk and not tear off my business attire and run screaming from adulthood and flourescent lights.
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
BUT YOU MUST FINISH YOUR QUEST
TO FIND THE HOLY GRAIL
AND GET DRUNK OFF YOUR ASS BY DRINKING OUT OF IT
I'm fucking blazing boy. 5hr weed sauce kicked in and my entire face feels like an 8ball of gold bond flying down a mountain of Fresh powder. Just gliding.
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
Had a one night stand and didnt remember the guys name until he started sending me poems in the mail.
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
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