respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
dude. i was so high. i watched shrek in russian.
I wish there was some sort of "recently added" function for blackberrys so i could see what random numbers i got from the night before
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
We blazed in her bathtub. All 5 of us. Not easy bro
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
He is asleep with his dick hanging out of my my little pony pajamas. I am required to wake this man up by blowjob
Your sexual fantasies often terrify me but get a pic
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
I remember yelling at him telling him that the strippers were "nice people."
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
Randomize
