There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
you would pick up someone in the library
I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
i just threw up in the porta potty. i am in no condition to be guarding anyone's life rite now.
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
you were upstairs in your room looking out your window and saw him puking in your bushes outside. you then proceeded to open the window and sing Come To My Window
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
This is what I get for listening to Christians.
Randomize
