the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
i think i would be more confident if i were chinese.
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
I think his glow in the dark Star Wars sheets, at the time, really turned me on.
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
She asked me if I would fuck her with my storm trooper mask on
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize
