I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
You discussed the Arab/Israeli conflict with the guy behind the counter at the Kebab shop telling him you supported his people. He was clearly Asian.
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
All I know is I had a penis in one hand a bottle of wine in the other
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
I find it fascinating that she'd be more comfortable with her mom finding out she submits dirty disney confessions on tumblr than about her secret email account she uses to chat with dutch and brazilian strangers.
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
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