Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
he just kept saying that he had liquor dick..then he tried to fuck me without removing his pants.
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
It's hot as dicks out. Lets get drunk on the roof and make pterodactyl sounds at people.
I got "plug" during family Catch Phrase and struggled to not make a reference to butt plug so I skipped it
According to the boxer briefs I found on the couch when I got home, I take it your date went well??
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
Randomize
