as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
Weird. Haha. I guess taking advice from batman is a good idea.
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
No but I was fuckin done when I realized my acrylic nail caught fire when I was hitting the bong.
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
I'm fucking my way through California and it's kind of fun.
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
Randomize
