He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
i was concerned by what you said you would do for a snickers. It wasn't even a Klondike bar.
my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
beware of the wheat thins...there might be a knife in it
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
He took shrooms and didn't want anyone to touch him. He kept saying he was a chip and he didn't want to break.
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
Then I'll go home and you two can do whatever two same sex heterosexual soul mates do
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
I left my parents and ran through the airport. I was like I'm not getting stuck in Atlanta tonight and not having sex.
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
I wear drunk well.
Randomize
