You know, sometimes I seriously doubt your commitment to sparkle motion.
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
He gave me a hug and said "He doesn't deserve you, Anna. Your boobs are great, and I'd fuck you anytime. Any. Place." I need a new 'gay' friend.
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
Why must everything this weekend have to do with something going into or coming out of my vagina?
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
