I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
Using what I learned in my global terrorism class last semester to sneak booze onto my cruise. thanks college.
at 6am he came into my room and kicked me in the stomach. when i finally got up he was passed out in my hallway and the bathtub water was running
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
No I come to this class stoned every week. Except last week when I was drinking in class
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
Randomize
