my phone needs a breathalizer
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
No period for spring break; use this wisely.
Ifound a recepit for a hotel room in my sock. soo.. Ithink thats where my dog is.
She devotes each year to either men or women. I waited all year for her to be straight, tonights the night.
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
he needs a life. he was like frothing at the mouth to cockblock you
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
It's like wanting to be a vampire vs being a vampire. You don't know the cock lust until it's infected you.
Well, we ended up labeling the relationship. We are now each other's designated butt-toucher.
We aren't doing Shrooms tonight bc that would be friendship cheating on you
So then edible panties?
Jesus no he likes candy too much, I'd lose a lip
Randomize
