Just saw the pics you left in my phone. thanks for reminding me that last night was not a dream.
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
...just for future reference, one Four Loko can fits PERFECTLY in a venti iced coffee cup from Starbucks
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
Why have they been driving around the block for the past 30 min?
He told her it was international road head day.
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
She had another shot and asked if I wanted to taste her tongue ring. Then I helped her pee.
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
She shaved her vagina in my bed. Good night
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