We've got 2 weeks of college left-I want to feel like Gary Busey by graduation.
you thought your balls were fighting each other...
U shoulda just taken her to a stall and banged her and let me watch the game. Some friend u r.
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
He wheeled me around walmart in a cart, and stole at least 30 dollars of junior mints fpr me. Best date ever.
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
So i am officially handcuffed to the pole on the party bus while taking jello shots.....this shall be an interesting night
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
I'm officially no longer allowed to make any of my own decisions regarding alcohol, men, or the combination of both. Thats up to you now. Do me proud.
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
Randomize
