It's sad that I have started checking out the ring finger before the rack...I'm getting old
All I remember from last night is puking up a box of cheeze-its and the building catching on fire.
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
i shit in a pringles can and hid it somewhere in your house....happy hunting
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
his mom called during sex and he made me talk to her I think we're getting serious
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
& he told me that I give the best head ever.. like can I get that on a medal?
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
can we fuck so we can live up to our nicknames for eachother?
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
Randomize
