dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
It would just be icing on the fucked up cake we're baking, if he got me pregnant.
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
I'm not even pretending to study anymore. I'm straight up sleeping in the library
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
Randomize
