Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
I didn't realize how much I missed him until his balls were back in my mouth..
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
I'll send you pictures of my nipples so you don't feel left out.
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
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