His internet searches, listed chronologically: sex slave, volunteer sex slave, lava
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
i went to throw her on my bed and threw her straight in to my bike
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
Its a good night to get drunk in my onesie.
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
You got kicked out after 30 minutes, 3 beers and 2 shots. Group record. Also you kept rubbing his belly and calling him buddha.
I had 2 shots but she spilt one on me. Kinda mad but kinda grateful
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
Randomize
