Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
He told me he looked up all the foods that make cum taste better and he put it all on his moms shopping list. she came through my line. this ones a keeper I think.
I GOT MY PERIOD!
damn. i had names picked out.
you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
Drinking vodka straight from my water bottle because of the debate. I just need to forget.
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
I'm at that point in my life where stripping isn't the worst thing I would do for money
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
Randomize
