I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
After this weekend, it looks come this holiday season I'll be walking in a winter abortionland.
I feel like it'll be a success as long as she doesn't end up dead in a ditch. There has to be a line somewhere.
I was told to keep my leg elevated. I assume it means to keep my legs on the air, it's like I was prescribed to be slutty
Theyll love you, its bunch of older ladies who drink whisky and sours and talk about the sex seans in Game of Throwns
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
OMG I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT HOW OUR FRIENDSHIP IS SO REAL BECAUSE I SHOW YOU DICK PICS AND WE LAUGH TOGETHER.
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
We could probably bang our way to enlightenment. However acid helps.
So then edible panties?
Jesus no he likes candy too much, I'd lose a lip
Randomize
