I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
he was fingering me, then looked down and said "i like your socks"
What's the point of having 3 fuck buddies when their periods all seem to sync up
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
and my loofah got caught on my nipple ring in the shower today. what an awful experience.
It's so hard to find a shirt to wear out that is easily taken off, cut off my paramedics, but says "I'm a grown, respected woman"
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
Hopefully this dress says "let me rent your house" and not "let me suck your dick for money"
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
did you just try to prove your straightness by quoting a lady gaga song?
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
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