alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
the worst part of it wasnt him peeing on the xbox. it was when he showed me his penis and made a kissy face at me. THAT was painful.
It was the first time I had seen his penis when it wasnt hard. It just looked so vulnerable and a little bit depressed.
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
You were sitting on the filthy kitchen floor eating a packet of grated cheese, and you were crying because you couldn't find any cheese.. I'd say our party was a success.
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
Apparently she has a 10 week old kid, which would explain the hallway effect I was feeling.
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
Randomize
