its good for cellulite if you don't wear underwear. its true
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
She said her first boyfreind was so small she is still technically a virgin.
It took us hanging out like four times to kiss. Id like to fuck you before I'm 30
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
Knowing that he goes to voodoo every Thursday really makes me want to get myself checked.
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
I'm supposed to be maturing, but no instead I'll be shitting my pants in Delaware for my 30th.
Hahahaha nah you won't shit your pants - but you will fully try mushrooms.
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
So i know i said I'm turning over a new leaf, but i met a guy with a dick piercing. I have to sleep with him. For science.
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
Randomize
