im poppin the ladies like they're bacne
the tile , carpet , walls , cabinets , even the ceiling ... there is Jello everywhere
it was your idea to have indoor Jello wrestling man
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
to whom it may concern. if i am dead in colleens bed it is not her fault i slept in my scarf. my dads middle name is ronald.
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
I think I fell in love with her when I saw her kick a freshman in the chest
Apparently I had 2 bloody noses and after my sis put me to bed at the hotel, I escaped and my sister's friend found me in an elevator with some guy
Dude I had sex with her and she STILL thinks I'm gay. I don't know what else to do.
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Randomize
