Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
Hi
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
margarita scented body wash shouldn't be used the morning after cuervo. there should be a warning on the label.
I feel the need to clarify that I did not show her my vagina.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
Tomorrow's thirsty thursday is now sponsored by the three time champion, chemisty failure. celebration starts asap.
I was fucking trucked by the swat team last night on State Street after UK won. But I got a picture with the guy afterwards so I forgive him
Boobs speak an international language.
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
She walked out and announced that he was now part of our confused, incestuous, glorious eskimo family. I've never been more proud.
Campus is too small for this to keep happening
I've never had sex with me but I assume there are worse ways to be woken up.
Randomize