brb k???!! plz don't leave i want 2 tlk bout r rltnshp
I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
Just remember, it's never too late to make a porno
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
Randomize
