Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
I seriously dont think i have ever ridden a horse sober.
I found her in the trunk, smoking a cigarette, saying every girl should know how to get out of their trunk
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
I woke up and discovered I gave new meaning to the term "pizza pockets" yes it's exactly like it sounds like
we should definitely drink gin again. soon.
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
I only spent $42 at the bar last night, it's some sort of miracle.
you do remember it was dollar beer night, right?
That answers my next five questions
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize
