My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
me and my sister are feeding my dog poprocks. this is proof you don't need a lot of money to have fun.
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
Stripper pole. Sore legs. More vaca money.
It was honestly the most delicious alcohol I've ever drank, plus the added risk of going blind from methanol poisoning really enhanced the experience.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
I just had nipple jewelry returned to me in the law library.
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
Would it be weird if I bought knee pads and shin guards to fuck in my car?
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
just found out that my aunt grows weed. today is a good day to be me.
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
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