escape the fate? dumbest band name ever. how about escape the fart. now that is a show i would go see!
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
either my laughing turned him on, or he wanted to shut me up. either way, i dont care. it was amazing.
I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
He called me khaleesi while I rode his dick. He wins
Dude, A DAMN CHEESEBURGER HIT ME IN THE FACE!!! WTF was i suppoused to do!?.
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