We walked in and the first thing we heard was, "OH SHIT! White chicks!" Naturally, I made some new male friends.
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
I'm guessing "whatever I can get" wasn't the reply the nurse wanted when asking what med I need. Oh, and asked for a cartoon band-aid.
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
You will bone me until my eyeballs fall out. This is not a request.
George disappeared two hours ago with a stripper named "delicious." Haven't seen him since
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
Randomize
