i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
I woke up and took my shirt off, and there was what I was assume to be pieces of tree in my chest hair. Any ideas about that one?
I should not be in class today. For the professors sake.
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
You're just gonna have to make the sacrifice man.
I'm trying to hide in the table.
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
if they didn't want us to do blow at uni, why would they make textbooks so smooth?
LOOK AT HOW SMOOTH THIS BITCH IS
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