I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask
Being a responsible DD does not include attempting to coordinate a 4 taxi caravan to bar #3
If tjhis were a lake full of vodka and i were a ducl Id swim my way down and ddrink my way up
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
It's just one of those days where I'm too horny to function, to be perfectly honest.
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
We power houred with shots of red wine. Somehow we ended up with 7 bottles and lost Chris. Trying to find him this hungover is proving very unsuccessful.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
Randomize
