I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
She gave him a lap dance on the glass table. You can guess how that ended
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
I'm naked on my couch and just ate a chip that was in my belly button.. my 20s have been weird.
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
Randomize
