Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
Outside the community dumpsters: beer bottles and a carton of orange juice. Looks like we were here.
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
I feel like I just need to fuck him after all his effort. like a "hey man good try" like those kids who get last place and still get a trophy.
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
I would fuck him In a heartbeat, an obese child running up stairs with an irregular heartbeat, heartbeat.
you said you would race him to taco bell but you slipped in the parking lot and just laid there, crying
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
