I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
yeah it's now facebook official. i can no longer pretend shes my girl on the side
Her cum face looks like the large marge scene in pee-wees big adventure
Also I may have a condom stuck inside me, but I won`t know til I check the couch coushions.
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
We were making eye contact while i was throwing up.
It will pretty much be equal to the feeling I had when you let me hold your dick while you were peeing, or when I graduated high school!
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