Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
Don't get yourself off tomorrow. We. Are. Having. Sex. That's that. Just dont do it.
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