so i just saw your dad embarking upon a biking journey in full reflective gear
...this stays between you and me
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
all i remember is stealing his cheesepuffs and shaving my vagina in the hotel lobby
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
But mostly the blowjob in the airport bathroom was what I was laughing at.
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
Randomize
