I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
Sitting on the floor in my kitchen eating taquitos. Being this drunk the next day has lost its allure post graduation.
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
I'm like still hungover from the quinceanera.
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
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