I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
Im drinking a beer thats called vuuve which is boobs in begian. I think my life is complete.
I am not deleting the internet history anymore, now I am going for shock value.
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
So did you grab that log full of poison ivy for the fire and then apparently take a piss on Saturday night too or was that just me?
will we ever learn or are we destined for a life of poison ivy covered balls?
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.
Congrats on graduating and I'm in a cab and need someone to helps keeping me up, do you mind
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
Randomize
