If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
you need to do more things constructive for your career. like wearing pants more often.
i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
Want to get drunk and look at an xray of my dick?
No my first time having an orgasm with you will not be on face time
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
Do you find Darth Vader masks attractive?
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
Randomize
