Two kids are drinking pounders in class. I think I'm hanging out with the wrong group of friends.
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
She needs to learn she only fits into our friendship as a DD.
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
I mean if you can't appreciate a good looking dick then just get out.
The minute he showed me his Mumford and sons tattoo is the minute i could literally feel my pussy dry up
I dunno that I'd be trusting enough of junkyard tequila to drink it.
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
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