this guy jus got head in a gas station bathroom from this fat chick with one leg
gross dude. was the guy blacked out drunk or something?
yeah and it only cost me 6 dollars
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
Wake up we need to beat the walk of shame rush hour
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
you don't even have a vagina so you don't get to tell me what to put in mine
Orgasms and cereal.... that's what life's about.
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
If we're going to communicate going forward, you'll need to be versed in Gillian Anderson.
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
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